A FREEDOM

today is a great day. i've realized that i'm free. this is so simple, but it took so much time. my deja vu doesn't hunt me nowadays, can i say that i'm on a right way? i don't think so..i'd rather came back on a hundred steps in my understanding of this feeling. why it is so?

fortunately, my brain is already recognized the Truth in the face.

why i must to believe someone else ecxept myself? i don't know. my heart tells me i'm strong. even now, even now...especially now. what is my dream? i know it too well, but i won't tell it anyone in this world, except one person, only the one person. i will tell it to him one day. one happy day.

i've always believed in a Miracle. but miracles are impossible without my own actions. what should i do?...

the truth is still out there

thinking about truth...

is it an absolute concept?

or truth depends from your own opinion? how much people so much opinions?

a years ago i found interesting article of A.Kazantsev "From space to the past". 

he said that in one of the British museums is storing a Neanderthal scull which is about 40.000 years old. it has been found in lead mines near Broken-Hill in Rhodesia. 

left temporal part of it seems pierced by a bullet. anyway round hole doesn't border with cracks, which are necessarily appears if ancient man would be wounded with a spear, a narrow or a tusk. this way a bullet breaks a glass. there is no right temporal part of skull, which is normal to bullet wound to bleed...

author was invited by professor K.Flerov to the paleonthological Museum of Science Academy and showed him a scull of a bizon, which is also about 40.000 years old. it was found in Yakutia and it also had something  looks like a bullet wound forehead. frontal bone is damaged seems like a flattened bullet which is broke its cumulative way - not by a metal, but an air pressed to the bone. but it's important that wound was intravital. obviosly the animal was badly wounded, seeing that bullet didn't hit the brain. it survived. on the edges of the wound it is visible a bone formation. the wound was overgrown at any rate for one year.

Code Blue (japanese drama)

now i'm stuck in a horrible moment of this drama...

...."later in "Code blue"...

"code blue" is very emotional project i think. there are four interns who are trying to become "a flying doctor"- a doctor, who rescue people in emergency situations and the field conditions, departuring by helicopter to the scene.

in every episode there's a very pressing reality of operation.

despite this i watched all 11 episodes for 2 days. it is impressive. 

it's too hard to me to see the blood. from the other side i feel something very important. i understand that blood is red and it's not very scaring color. but my hands are trembling in every blood scene. despite this i watch. i watch that way as people watched "Romeo and Juliett" the first time. catharsis in the end. believing in something great. tears and then smile. fear and feeling of protection. 

now i fear to watch a moment where the intern is going to drill a child's brainpan with an usual drill to reduce intracranial pressure. it is a horror... but it can help to rescue a little boy.

intern's face says "i don't scare", but my intuition says "i scare the same as anyone. i just do what i must do." 

in past i was fear of the doctors. now i think that doctors fear of the patient's lifes. they maybe fear patients for that reason.

i think this drama is about fear of anything and of course about relationships between a doctor and a patient. 

lately i watched russian "interns". it's a comedy. it's about relationships between the doctor and his interns and relationships within the team. 

i like it also. a humor sometimes repeating and predictable, but i want to note that sometimes when you look deeper it's obviosly that doctor's life is very hard. and one supreme motive of his activities is supreme feeling that he is needing. 

recently i read the book of John Gray "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus". men, as author says, want to know that they are needing by someone, especially by someone close.

it's very important to know. not only feel that you are needing but also be saying that. from the heart.

i must say that in my 3 years doctors rescued me...

all of my life i was fear of the doctors because they do hurt. maybe they feel hurt too at that moment. maybe his pain is more hurts.

i just know that my life was given to me twice. once it was doctors. they do hurt to give you a chance to live this life...

DOCTORS,

The dark side of the moon (russian movie)

this movie is based on BBC's  "Life on Mars".

named that because of the main hero found Pink Floyd's vinil record in the crime scene.

to the main hero...and why i say about this movie.

i never watch tv, but a week ago i ocassionaly heard something that attracted my attention to the screen and image looked familiar to me. i don't know what was that....

the main hero walked a street of past. it was year 1979, soviet Moscow. a picture is easy recognized, i think,to russian people: commisssion shops, bakeries, old payphones and strange feelings that something is wrong....silence. suddenly the hero heared a voice from nearby showcase with TVs. he turned a head and saw his doctor. he talked to him from the other world. he said "do you hear me?" a hero heard and screamed "yes, i hear you!" but only a shop-assistant heard him.

then i understood that this man is a policeman who trapped in a car accident and he is in coma.

he's very look like his father so everyone thinks that he is his father. even his mother call him a husband's name.

but to me was very strange to realize how his emotiones resonansed with my own experiences. these streets and this silence and this feeling that you are one to one with your own reality. people walking, people talking, people naming you, but it doesn't count. you are one by one with your questions. noone, except a gypsy, a friend and a doctor in tv can't be real.  you came from future.

i hope that my questions will be replied as a main question of  the hero "what for he received someone else's life?"

actor Pavel Derevyanko as Mikhail Soloviov, a soviet policeman.

Oleg Almazov as Mikhail Soloviov's father's colleague. i liked this character and i think this hero is very winsome.

"the dark side of the moon" opening.

i hope,

what i do best?

today i realized that i wanna become a psychologist.

my bachelor degree diploma means my choise is already done, but to tell the truth, a feeling of it's rightness  came to me today.

i've been thinking between different ways of my life. what i live for?

what i can do best?

i know.

the best thing i can do is to guide people to understand their own feelings. we all are smart, my friends, but talking about feelings and emotions we are become confused and sometimes stupid. 

people sometimes don't know anything about theirselves. why it is so? what than do they know about this world if they don't know their own heart?

sometimes people say that they need a help and they ask to give them an advice. i'd prefer to not give advices. i don't want to decide people's problems for themselves. my mission is to help them to find the answer that exist in their minds and hearts. that's why i'm here. because i can do it. because i understand how. 

talking about my own feelings, i almost understood them. maybe it sounds foolish to someone, but from the very beginning of my life i knew all about myself. i can remember that i was smarter than now, cause i already knew all my feelings. when you growing up, you are trying to know more about this world and you are starting to forget who are you. it happens with everyone. but we can't realize. 

we can't give up to this world. this world must give up to us. 

and of course,

雨

What are your thoughts about rain?.....

what are your thoughts after rain?.....

rain is water. water can save information. water can share information. elementary water can transfer a feeling, a word, an event of past. water can reflect an image of yours when you look through it's surface. water cleans major of materials. water can be keeper and cleaner. water is something you might don't find in another planets and planetary systems..... water is a mirracle. what are your thoughts when a simple mirracle drop on your cheek? do you smile? are you happy? do you like RAIN?......

"Sweet rain. Accuracy of death" is movie about life shortness, human feelings, regrets and fears. Shinigami - angel of death - come when it rains to take someone with him. when he comes it is always rains.

"Shawshank redemption" scene.

Hi to everyone who found me.

if you ever felt this strange situation of being lost in future, than you might find something interesting for you in my thoughts that i'm going to describe lately.

lost in future phenomena can be a feeling of second experience of happenning in now or i can say it might be something that never happened with you in earth reality.

you can catch a moment that seems happened with you, but ....in future. precisely this feeling is my object of thoughts and researching.

       Tokyo

some say deja vu is situation of  seeing past in now. i agree, but my feeling is different. i see future like a past, that i already have seen before. how i know it's a future? because of my images are typical to future times.

maybe it's just a pictures that my brain is already seen or create of litlle pieces of realities.

 WELCOME TO MY WORLD!